How Do I Make Friends?
Justin Kellam- January 20th, 2026
We all have friends. Or do we? In today’s world, making and keeping friends is harder than it ever has been. Social media, fallout from COVID, and a lack of motivation all contribute to the problem. The stats bear this out - in the last 20 years, the percentage of Americans who say they have no close friends has quadrupled, going from 3% to 12%. Even the amount of time spent with friends has dropped off.
For decades, Americans consistently spent about 6.5 hours a week with friends. Then, between 2014 and 2019, that number plummeted to just four hours per week.
Many people move to Denver for the outdoors, work/life balance, and job opportunities, but that doesn’t necessarily lead to making friends. Feeling lonely has become normal in the city, despite being surrounded by people. So let’s step back and ask two questions - Why do we even need friends? And how do we make them?
Why Do We Long For Friendship?
There is a deep longing that all humans have - to not be alone. We are social creatures, no matter how introverted or extroverted different people are. There is nothing that replaces the feeling of being known deeply by another human - and still accepted and loved. But why are we like this? Sometimes it seems as if it would be easier if humans had evolved out of this trait due to the potential pain we feel when it’s not fulfilled.
We need to go back to the beginning to understand this. The Biblical account of creation gives us insight. When God, our Creator, first made man, he said this, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” (Genesis 2:18, ESV) A lone human was “not good”, and so God created another to be with him. This was the basis for a very significant human relationship - marriage.
But the Bible speaks about the inherent value of friendship in other places. Take for example Ecclesiastes 4:9-12, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” This gets at the heart of what friendship is - someone to share the most precious moments of life with. To celebrate your team winning a championship, to enjoy a delicious meal together, even to call someone to cry and get support about a hard thing that happened. A friend can fulfill all these longings in an irreplaceable way. And we all feel that deeply, within our souls.
The Adult Friendship Gap
The transition from college to career is hard to navigate. In college, there are plenty of opportunities to meet new people, develop friendships, and spend large chunks of time together. But those relationships become harder to maintain post-college as friend groups often split up, move to different cities, and have less time to spend with each other.
Sure, you can meet people at your job, but it can be hard to bridge the gap between a professional relationship and true friendship. And with the energy it takes to start a new career and be successful, having motivation in the evenings for a social outing is a big ask, let alone planning a weekend event. Making friends in adulthood is playing on “hard” mode compared to college and grade school. It takes initiative, investment, and vulnerability, which feels risky. So what should you do?
Practical Steps to Making Friends
First, be willing to take initiative. It doesn’t have to be something huge or intimidating. Simply resolve to take a single small step. Text someone and ask them to have coffee. Show up to a group hangout. Ask someone over to your house for a meal. How many people would jump at the invitation? To get even more granular, take the initiative in conversation. One of the easiest ways to get to know someone better is to ask them questions about themselves. Rather than talking about the weather or the latest sports news, ask someone a question that can lead to deeper conversation - how many siblings do you have? Where did you grow up? What was your first job and how did you like it? Getting to know someone’s history and sharing your own is one of the best ways to begin to build a real friendship.
Second, look for opportunities to meet people who like the same things as you. Shared interests allow you to piggyback on the excitement you have for an activity or hobby into a connection with another person. This could be as simple as talking to someone at your gym. It could mean showing up to a public sports league or recreational game. Finding a local meet-up focused on a hobby you enjoy like board games or crafts is a great way to meet people without some of the fear of it not going well. After all, you already share something in common with the people you meet!
Lastly, commit to being consistent. Friendship takes time and it won’t be built in one meeting, or 3, or even 10. After you have that initial spark, be consistent. Follow up and schedule another coffee. Go back to that meet-up. Have more conversations that lead to knowing someone well, and being known by them. The initial stage of going from acquaintance to friend can be awkward and feel frustrating at times. But it’s only by pushing through the discomfort that you can build shared history with someone that is the basis of a friendship.
Bonus advice - don’t underestimate the value of face-to-face interactions. Seeing someone in person cannot be replaced by DMs, texts, or even a phone call. You won’t regret the rich interaction of sitting down in person with someone and engaging them with all of who you are.
What Christian Community Offers
While all the practical advice in the world will set you on the right path to climb the mountain of friendship, there is another piece that is needed to reach the ascent of deep, long-lasting friendship - sacrificial love. I’ll never forget when one of my closest friends said this to me, “You know that if you ever need anything, you can call me. If you called me and truly needed $10,000, I would get it for you.” I felt so loved by that statement and knew that I felt the same way about him. The Bible has a category for this, talking about this aspect of friendship in many places. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens.” Proverbs 17:17 - “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” A friendship might begin when it is rewarding to us, or when we are getting something out of it. But it can only reach the next level when we are willing to give of ourselves, to support and love and sacrifice, no matter what we get in return.
I’ve never experienced this more than in Christian community. And the reason is simple - Jesus Christ modeled this to us. 1 John 4:7-21 is one of the most beautiful things ever written on friendship and the key idea is verse 19, “We love because he first loved us.” Because of God’s love for us in sending his son Jesus Christ to die on the cross and pay the penalty of our sin, we know we can never love as much as we have been loved. It inspires a sacrificial love that is the key to the deepest friendship possible in this world. It illuminates the idea of being loved unconditionally, not for what you bring to the table.
The path to friendship isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. The longing you feel for deep friendship is pointing you towards the deep connection your soul was made for. Take a small practical step this week towards finding and making those kinds of friends. I’m a pastor at Skyline Church here in Denver, and if you would like to talk further or even visit some of our Life Groups, you can let us know here. Our Life Groups are the best way to get to know people at our church!
PS. If you are interested, we preached a 3-part series on friendship at our church which you can listen to here.